


In & Out

by AwatereJones



Series: Torchwwod Style Movie re-writes [2]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Comedy, M/M, Sci-Fi, brain-fart, movie makeover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-04
Updated: 2015-06-27
Packaged: 2018-04-02 19:39:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4072126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwatereJones/pseuds/AwatereJones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Kevin Klein movie takes a Torchwood beating in my version.  </p><p>Ianto is a teacher about to marry but Jack can't help but give him options.  If you've not seen the movie you'll still find this one funny.  My first switch so you get the re-post in larger chaps.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An introduction to Ianto Jones 1-3

**Chapter one**

An introduction to Ianto Jones

"And sunlight clasped the earth...

and the moonbeams kissed the sea.

What are all these kissings worth...

if thou kiss not me?"

Ianto stood in front of his class caught in the words as he gestured toward the front row of his class.

"That's it." He shrugged with a whimsical smile.

The class erupts with laughter when they realised that they were all holding their breath as they watched their favourite teacher strut his stuff at the front of the class.

One of the teenagers raised his hand.

"Andy" Ianto smiled at one of his favourite, though not necessarily brightest students.

"Mr. Jones, that John Hart guy, did you really teach him?" Andy asked hopefully.

"Yes, I did." Ianto tried to keep the annoyance out of his voice, "Right here in this very room."

Several more hands were raised and Ianto sighed to himself, this was getting ridiculous. "Question about the poem?"

"Yes, Jenny." He smiled at what he hoped was the saner of the girls.

"Did John have a girlfriend here?" she asked with a tinge of guilt, seeing Ianto's shoulders sag as she spoke.

"Please." Ianto groaned as he face palmed.

"Mr. Jones." Another called out.

"Amy." Ianto turned his gaze to her with all hope starting to fade "Is this related to the poem?"

"Oh, yeah." She assured him with a smile.

"You have a comment about English literature or Romantic poetry?" Ianto asked with a spark of hope again.

"Absolutely." She smiled showing her braces.

"Let's hear it." Ianto threw his arms out ready to catch the question.

When John went here... and studied English literature and Romantic poetry... ( _the class erupted into laughter_ ) was he really cute?"

"No. He's had massive surgery." Ianto deadpanned, "A complete overhaul."

Their looks of shock was worth it and he couldn't help but feel a thump of victory, no matter how silly. "He was a horse faced baboon!"

They all relaxed as they recognised the patented Jones snark and several sniggered behind their books.

"But, you know," Ianto tried once more, "he loved this poem."

 

I&O

 

 2. Are you in?

"Excuse me, Mr. Jones." Andy's voice filtered through the general murmuring of the corridor and Ianto stopped to look for the speaker.

"Mr. Jones." Andy called again as he drew nearer and he pulled at his Space academy uniform nervously.

"Andy" Ianto smiled as he noticed the young cadet's nervousness.

"It's here." Andy whispered with a nervous swallow as he showed Ianto his PDA. "From Starfleet."

Some of the other classes let out and the bright colours of the academy filled the space around them as the blue jocks intermingled with the red nerds and the yellow service teams. With many already sectioned into their specialist areas it was rare for a blue jock to even get a look at something that the reds usually got first dibs at.

"And? Hey, Joe." Ianto smiled at a passing yellow cadet who made the most amazing breads and then returned his gaze to the nervous young man.

"Will you open it?" Andy begged, "It'll make it easier."

"What if I..." Into started to push the PDA back at Andy.

"I mean, I'm not gonna get in." Andy shrugged with fake nonchalance.

"I bet it says, Andy whined, _"Nice try, you Fracking Twat. You loser, get out of here."_

"That's not quite the way they put it." Ianto said absently as he flicked the document open and began to read.

"Yes! You're in!" Ianto crowed, "Full scholarship!"

"Yes?" Andy gasped in shock.

"Way to go!" Ianto's smile turned to one of pride as he looked fondly at the young blonde man who was still digesting the news.

"Yes!" Andy yelled, punching the air and causing several cadets to step aside or face a thump to the head.

Ianto felt his chest heave with emotion as he realized that one chick was sure to leave the nest to a bright future. Not everyone was going to be as lucky this intake!

 

I&O

 

**3\. Its all in the preparation**

The cadets were huddled around talking in hushed tones as Ianto entered the locker room. Ianto quickly noted that the usual troublemakers were grinning. Jenny casually walked through with her tunic open as she delved into a random locker and exited with a spray only to have one of the boys frown and reclaim it was a snort.

"Ladies and gentlemen, are we having a practice?" Ianto asked as he waved the tullat ball at them. He hated teaching this zero-grav game but the kids loved it.

"We can't, you know." Andy sighed as he rolled his eyes at Eugene's sniggering.

"It's our coach." Andy shrugged. "He's getting bonded this week."

"Yes, that's correct."

"And he's drunk." Andy grinned.

"I'm drunk?" Ianto raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"Pretty soon!" Andy laughed as they all dumped the cups of hyper-vodka hidden behind their backs onto his head.

"You guys!" Ianto tried to bellow but his angry words had no power as his laughter began.

"Congratulations, Mr. Jones!" they all cheered excitedly.

ooOoo

"You're so beautiful." Francine Jones crowed.

"Ianto?" Lisa asked hesitantly.

"You look exquisite." Ianto breathed as he tried not to touch the lacy trim.

"I wish my folks were still here." Lisa felt the tears start as she remembered her parents who were taken in a transporter failure in her junior year. If Ianto's family hadn't taken her in she would have been forced out of the program as her family debts wiped out her savings and she had been saving for this event from the day she got the part-time job in space dock inventorying cargo. She knew Ianto had been instrumental in that as she was so familiar with the program he wrote for their Starfleet Superiors.

"They never thought I'd marry. Our name was not in the book of bondings" she sighed looking at Ianto's hands that finally got hold of the fabric to smooth a wrinkle.

"We're your family now, dear." Francine smiled, "I'm not just Ianto's mom. I'm yours. Blood is not thicker than love! Ianto could be no more my baby if I'd squeezed him out of myself and I thank the Gods every day that we were chosen in the ballot to raise him."

"Beware." Ianto smiled, trying to get his mother off the subject of his adoption, having heard of his superior DNA and pod-birth too many times. He had kept this secret when he had applied to Starfleet as a youngling and was pleasantly surprised that they hadn't recognised him a one of their podlings.

"When you walked in..." Carys shook her head as she adjusted the regulation hem on the bonding gown, "I almost died. I didn't recognize you."

"She's worked hard." Francine smiled proudly.

"Isn't she a knockout? Ianto grinned as he smoothed the seam again.

"I was fat my whole life." Lisa shook her head at the memory, "I was not going to waddle down that aisle."

"When I saw the Face of Boe's infomercial..." she started to explain but Francine interrupted with a hissed "I love him."

" Remember when that woman went to his living chambers ...lost over 30 pounds using the inspirational tapes?"

"Oh, yes." Carys nodded eagerly.

I thought, if she can do it, so can I." Lisa beamed.

"And you did." Ianto crowed with pride. "Bridal Barrics, we salute you."

"It's a straitjacket." Lisa tugged at the hips and grimaced.

"It's a classic, the J- ." Ianto began to defend the cut.

"Everybody's been stopping by", Carys spoke ignoring Ianto who would go on about classic lines all day, "revving up for your nuptials."

"Look at this." Mickey said coming out of the booth in a retro neon blue ensemble that set Ianto's teeth on edge.

"Oh, son, I don't know." Joe frowned at their youngest son with open affection.

"The 19th century Tormé." Carys sighed wondering how he had found it as she had hidden it so well at Ianto's insistence last visit.


	2. Awards evening

4\. Awards evening

Ianto called for a hush in the mess hall tapping his water glass and finally Mickey whistled with his fingers almost making Ianto drop his glass.

"Thank you." Ianto smiled wanly at his idiot brother.

"In just a few short days..." he began his carefully pre-rehearsed speech he had been going over in his head all morning. "Lisa and I will be bonded... after three long years."

He paused for the clapping he knew would happen. Good. All going according to plan. With a more confident grin he continued.

"What, you may be asking, was the problem?"

"You said it!" Commander Sara-Jane called out.

"Well, Aunt SJ, I think I have the answer." Ianto bowed his head toward his godmother, "I vowed I would not marry until John Hart was nominated for a Medal."

"I thought I was safe." Ianto laughed with the room at the absurdity of the situation. I mean, John Hart? "Most likely to blow up a star cruiser by mistake" hart? Wow!

"Tonight's the night, for John, at least and so I'll let you all get back to your vid sets." Ianto knew he had nearly an hour to return to quarters before the vid-cast would show which one in John's division got the most votes from their peers.

"This Sunday, thanks to my mom and dad and Lissy, is going to be the happiest day of my life." Ianto caught too late that he had used Lisa's nick-name which he had always despised but seeing her shocked look of pleasure at it he thought he might let it slide this time.

ooOoo

Ianto and Lisa had settled on the sofa in front of Ianto's decadently large vid-screen to watch the medal awards and Ianto was trying desperately not to snap at Lisa for having her feet on the beverage table.

"Wouldn't it be extraordinary if John wins?" Ianto snorted into his sandwich of watercress and something purple he couldn't identify but was Lisa's favourite dish.

"I had him." Lisa nodded as she sipped her drink.

"You did?" Ianto turned to face her in surprise.

"Yeah. I was a student teacher. It was sophomore Hydro-thermal dynamics." Lisa nodded as she rubbed her hand on Ianto's thigh. "He used to come every day after class for extra help. We spent the whole year reciting Hydro physics to each other."

"Oh, really?" Ianto raised his eyebrows in mirth at her wistful sigh. "Just the two of you?"

"He was just a student." She smiled back as Ianto pretended to think about it.

"Hmm, well, all right." He narrowed his eyes in fake annoyance before settle back to stare at the screen. "Now, which channel?"

ooOoo

"Mmm. Who wants movie-style buttery lite?" Francine asked as she wove through the Jones Family Room with bowls of fake-corn.

"Me, I do." Trish put her hand up with glee.

"Score pads and pens. Martha, what do you have for Best Documentary?" Francine asked as she settle next to Joe who was already flicking through channels which drove her mad.

"Something about Delrathian mine workers and their struggle to be free." She shrugged.

"I hope that nice Tracey Field wins." Crazy Aunt Betty muttered as she tried to remember how to turn her PDA on.

"But she's not nominated." Tish frowned in confusion as her mother waved for her to let it drop.

"Even so." Aunt Betty nodded absently as her PDA sprang to life with a sad little whine.

"It's almost time." Mickey shuffled closer to the screen.

"Turn it on." Francine frowns at Joe who sheepishly flicks to the correct feed.

"The palace... Hollywood, Planet USA." The host of the show grinned at the camera showing his feline teeth, "This is Peter Meawwoy for Inside Entertainment inviting you to join me for Hollywood's night of nights the 64th Annual Space Academy Awards."

With feline grace he turned to wave an arm at the stage behind him where uniforms swelled towards the seats.

"Ladies and gentlemen, and others …" Another mile and twitch of his ears "here is another screen legend, multi medal winner herself, Commander Whoopi Goldside."

"Whoopi!" a fan called form the crowd.

"I love you, Whoopi!" another called.

"So, Whoop, John Hart. His chances?"

"This kid is incredible. He is so sexy..." she sighed adjusting her tunic.

"It's Hart!" someone shouted and they all turned to watch him enter the room.

"I adore him." Whoopi shrugged but she was lost in the cheering, "He is just the best there is."

"It's John Hart!"

ooOoo

"There he is. Look." Lisa gasped grabbing Ianto's thigh with her fingernails.

Andy, Jenny and friends were all crowded into Andy's small living quarters watching from the small PDA on the table.

"He is just so cool." Jenny sighs.

"What is that on his chin?" Andy asks moving closer to the screen.

"Looks like a troll dolleviat." Eugene giggled as he slapped Andy's head back.

"Did he just wake up?" Andy snorted.

"Shut up." Jenny and Diana said in unison.

"Ladies and gentlemen, and others … here comes The Command's hottest young star and People blog's sexiest man of the year, poor guy... John Hart!" Peter Meawwoy simpered as John bounced up to the microphone.

"Hello." John smiled as he reached out to touch an ear.

"Hey." Peter Meawwoy purred.

"Hey." John parroted with a lear.

"So, John, tonight's the big night. All the marbles. Planet USA." Peter Meawwoy gave his expressive wave again.

"Right." John muttered.

"Uh, excuse me?" Peter Meawwoy asked with a twitch of his whiskers showing his confusion.

"I said, right." John winked.

"Everyone's saying that you won't be going home empty-handed. How do you feel about that? And speak up." Peter Meawwoy asked as the crowd cheered for another arrival.

"Basically to me, medals are meaningless. I'm an artist. It's about the work. All the nominees are artists. We shouldn't be forced to compete like dogs in order to serve." John defiantly stuck his chin out.

"I hear you. Good point." Peter Meawwoy nodded "Then why are you here?"

In case I win!" John barked with laughter.

Everyone in the Jones Family Room groaned and laughed along with the screen as words began to flash"

Coming up, the Medal for best performance by a Grunt.

"Ladies and gentlemen, and others Miss Glenn Closer."

A blue woman with impossibly long legs approached the podium and paused while they adjusted its height to match her eight foot height.

Now our final nominee for Best Grunt... John Hart." Her voice was musical and soft.

"John rocketed to stardom with courage and charisma...tackling the command of a brave gaggle of soldiers To Serve and Protect."

The screen changed as archival footage showed John and another man racing across alien terrain while under pulse rifle fire.

[Explosions]

[Men screaming]

"You're gonna make it, Danny." John panted as he taped Danny's leg.

"I love you, John" he simpered.

"Yeah, whatever. Hold that thought while I lob a pulse grenade at these fraggers!" John laughed.

"My legs hurt. Aah!" Danny cried.

The screen flickered back to the podium as calm was called for.

"This is John's first nomination... and the winner is...

John Hart!"

"Oh, my God!" Ianto and Lisa gasped.

"Oh, my God!" Jenny grabbed at Eugene's arm.

"Doofus! Doofus!" the boys chanted at the screen.

Doofus! Doofus!

Doofus! Doofus! Doofus!

"That's our boy." Ianto gasped with pride.

"Look at him." Lisa laughed at he twirled on screen.

"Oh, my Gods!" John laughed into the microphone, "Thank you. Thank you. Uh... Wow. Nice, man. Nice. I'd like to thank a great Commander... an incredible crew...my girlfriend and my new boyfriend...but I'm just solider taking orders like a good grunt.

This really belongs to all the soldiers and Academyists...and other guys and women and whatever … who defend these planets...to keep us free, but can't date."

[Applause]

"So maybe I should thank someone else. Someone who's really been there. Someone who taught me a lot about dressing with style and remembering protocols...and just, like, you know, staying awake, man." John laughed along with everyone else who knew his ability to fall asleep anywhere, anytime.

"Someone who's just an overall great guy and teacher." John took a deep breath and smiled into the camera lens, "To Commander Ianto Jones from Greenleaf, Torchwood."

"Oh, my God!" Lisa shrieked as she launched off the sofa.

"Oh, wow." Ianto said softly with shock.

"I can't believe it." Lisa continued to shriek.

"And he's Omnisexual!" John concluded with a huff.

TWI&O TWI&O TWI&O TWI&O TWI&O TWI&O TWI&O TWI&O TWI&O TWI&OTWI&O TWI&O TWI&O


	3. What was that? 5-6

5\. What?

Ianto froze. Huh?

"I've been thinking a lot about this night..." John started a new rant and Ianto wished he could crawl through the screen and throttle him as Lisa sat back down with a thump beside him.

"And I've decided to dedicate this whole night...to a great omnisexual teacher." John crowed with renewed delight as he realised the cameras were still on him. "Commander Jones, we Won!"

Ianto Turned the vid-screen off in a daze then gasped with horror as it set in.

"Ianto?" Lisa said softly.

"Hmm?" Ianto raised his eyebrows still staring at the blank screen.

"Ianto?" Lisa said again.

"Precious." Ianto turned to face her as he shook himself awake.

"What's he talking about?" she said locking gazes with him.

The intercom chimed and Ianto turned to face the screen as his family filled it.

"I have no idea!" he said to Lisa as he tried to smile at the war going on as his family fought for the right to be centre of screen.

"What?!" she hissed as he moved out of her grip and closer to the screen in what he hoped was an assuring manner.

"Mom? Dad?" he asked politely.

"Is there something you want to tell us?" his mother demanded, "Something about the bonding?"

"I'm not omnisexual." He huffed.

"Ohh. Of course not." Joe huffed back with relief.

"No! No, no." Ianto shook his head emphatically as he looked to his mother for help.

"My son's not omnisexual." Joe said with confidence.

"No way!" Ianto said.

"No how!" his mother agreed

"No dice!" Joe boomed with a hold of his arms.

"No, ma'am." Ianto laughed shakily.

"No, sir!" his father scoffed now with mirth.

"But that boy on VS..." Francine started.

"I don't know what that was about." Ianto shrugged as he turned to Lisa for support. "I am outraged! I may sue!"

"That's right." Lisa growled "That's a good idea."

"Get Frankie Cochran, not that woman." Joe said with a commanding voice that left no confusion as to who was in charge either on the field or in the home.

"Good idea." Ianto pointed at his father's image with determination.

"Remember, he's been on the pleasure planets a long time. He may be under the influence of something." Ianto stammers as he ran his hand through his hair and told himself to get a haircut. "He may have joined a cult."

"Oh, my lords." Francine cried grasping at her ample bosom.

"That little zombie." His father snarled.

"His family was..." Ianto's mother said with her hand covering her mouth, "I hate to say this... but when they lived here, they were not active in the academy PTA."

Ianto leaned back in surprise at this random comment.

He used to shine our hopper." Joe shook his head sadly, "Never again."

Now Ianto was really confused and looked at his mother for help.

"Ianto, we want you to know..." his mother steadied herself before continuing softly, "you're our son, and we'll always love you... omnisexual, gay, straight, red, green..."

Ianto wondered if this was some joke where the podcast would change to a multi-screen as his family and friends laughed with him at the look on his face.

"If you rob a banker, if you kill someone." His father joined her talking and he struggled to listen to the weird tirade, "If you get drunk, break into the engine room, and take out the ship."

"As long as you get bonded." His mother finished with a glare of death he recognised form his youth. "I need that bonding. I need some beauty, music, and place holo-cards before I die."

Ianto nodded silently trying to appease his mother.

"It's like heroin." She sighed through the screen. "Do you hear me?"

"Will you be all right?" Lisa asked as the screen dimmed.

"Of course." He smiled, "I'm fine. We're getting bonded."

"I love you." Lisa sighed reaching for a kiss.

"Good night." Ianto muttered closing the door on her.

 

TWI&O TWI&O TWI&O TWI&O TWI&O TWI&O TWI&O TWI&OTWI&O TWI&O TWI&O TWI&O TWI&O TWI&O TWI&O TWI&O TWI&O TWI&O TWI&O TWI&O

 

6\. Definitely for sure!

Ianto approached his classroom with apprehension and knew there was no way his class hadn't watched that space freighter wreak last night. The Gods only knew what short and curly questions they would have for him.

"Let's go." A voice ahead hissed.

As Ianto turned the corner of the deck the murmur of voices became louder and Ianto froze as he stared at the media scrum filling all space outside his classroom door.

"There he is! That's him!" someone yelled and suddenly he was surrounded by light and sound.

Ianto, Ianto they yelled his name repeatedly with questions he couldn't ever hear above each other.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" one shouted.

"A Girlfriend!" another shouted.

"An "Other-kind" friend?" a hand grabbed at his arm and he yelped reaching behind his back for the door handle digging into him as he tried to become one with the wall.

"I am getting bonded" he protested weakly, "I am not omnisexual!"

"Do you know the face?" a voice followed him as he entered the room and slammed the door with a growl of annoyance.

"A teacher in trouble, a ship under siege..." a reporter stood filming to one side and he adjusted his coat with ease as he stood confidently informing his cameraman he was rolling, while smiling down the lens at his imagined following, "a journey to the Mother ship. Jack Harkness. Stay tuned.

ooOoo

"Ianto!" a reporter yelled as he lent against to door which tried to buckle open.

"Should omnisexuals be allowed to handle produce?" another demanded.

"I don't care!" Ianto bellowed back over his shoulder as the locking mechanism finally engaged, "This is a classroom!"

Ianto took a moment to un-ruffle his feathers so to speak and walked briskly to the front of the room.

"Class." He said reaching for his PDA.

"So, uh, where were we?" finally he looked up at silent, tight faces. "Romantic poetry. Shakespeare. Talented, English, dead. The sonnets. Great to stave off a psychic invasion, er …"

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's gay?" Ianto stopped and looked at them daring them to laugh at his slip.

"Thou art more lovely, and more temperate... "OK, he had it now.

"Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, and..." he tapered off and sighed into his hand.

"OK." He challenged the silent room.

"Let's get it into the open." He opened his arms and stood straighter "What's on your mind?"

"Is it... true?" Ah yes, it would be Jenny.

"Of course not!" he scoffed, "I'm getting bonded in three days!"

"See? I knew it!" Andy crowed pointing at Ianto, "Told you."

"All right, class." Ianto clapped his hands.

Why did he say it on TV in front of the whole world?" Clem asked with his face screwed up in confusion as usual.

"Were you incredibly embarrassed?" Amy asked.

"Did you want to stick a Sonic grenade in your mouth?" was the next question from Eugene.

"Class, class." Ianto gave a nervous laugh, "I don't know why he said it. I've been trying to figure that out."

"That's not why we're here today." Ianto tried to regain the room.

"Mr Jones?" a soft voice called from the back.

"Andy?" Ianto smiled hoping for something hopeful.

"I've been thinking about it all night." Andy frowned and shook his head, "Why would he say you were omnisexual? I got it figured out."

"What have you got?" Ianto felt his stomach drop knowing this would probably be bad.

"Look at you." Andy pointed.

"I beg your pardon?" Ianto titled his head for clarification.

"No offense, but you're an empathic History/English teacher." Andy said matter of fact.

"Exactly." Jenny added her agreement.

"You are supposed to teach psychic attack, empathic awareness and you teach all this poetry and odes and bonnets."

"Sonnets?" Ianto corrected automatically.

"And you're kinda prissy." Andy finished was a shrug of apology.

"Prissy?" Ianto gasped.

"Not in a bad way." Andy said quickly realising his mistake, "I mean you're smart."

"Well-dressed." Eugene supplied.

"And really clean." Jenny finished with a nod.

"Doesn't look good." Andy agreed with them.

"Plus, you got the Empathic sympathiser's club, and you ride that solar-bicycle." Andy said as if it had just occurred to him,

"You've been engaged to Miss Hallett for three years." Jenny huffed with a nod.

"What does that..." Ianto defended.

"Think about it. You add it up, of course he thinks you're omnisexual!" Andy pointed out.

"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!" Eugene yelled leaping from his seat "Plus, he was on that assignment to Boeshane..."

"so his brain is, like, already going that way..." Andy finished for him.

"And then he remembers you..." Eugene points at him and Ianto feels uncomfortable with the scrutiny.

'And he goes, "Smart, clean, totally decent human being..." Andy ticks off the points on his fingers, " Omnisexual for sure!"


	4. Yes, no, yes 7-8

**7\. Drathonian Worms!**

The reporters began shouting alerting Ianto to someone entering the room. With it being locked it had to be a faculty member to override it with the palm pad.

"Omnisexuals in the repopulation program?" a voice shouted.

"Lesbians on Mars?" a woman laughed.

"Excuse me." Admiral John Smith simpered as he slammed the door in their faces and leaned his forehead against it for a moment to catch his breath.

"Commander... Mr. Jones." Smith remembered Ianto hated his rank being pointed out and smiled an apology as he turned to face the room.

"Boys and girls. Er, yes um, and others Hmmm?" he smiled.

"Mr. Jones" he said again as he levelled his gaze on Ianto. "Ianto, could, uh, could I..."

Smith gestured at the corner of the room where the silence pad sat so students could rant or practice battle cries without interrupting others.

"Oh." Ianto sighed as he followed Smith to the corner, "Class, excuse me."

Stepping onto the pad Ianto paused and waited for the force field to enclose them before he motioned for Smith to begin the chewing out he was expecting.

"The school ship is surrounded." He began and waited for Ianto to nod his agreement. "There are Vid-cast cameras, reporters."

"See? They want pictures of the omnisexual guy!" Andy yelled and the class giggled as Ianto realised that the shielding had been hacked by his students, yet again! He hadn't even felt it drop that time.

"I tried to reason with them." Smith continued ignoring the audience. "I told them I was an admiral and they... they mocked me."

"I'm sorry." Ianto groaned as he really liked Smith and was horrified that he had been insulted by these … these … drathonian worms!

"Could you talk to them?" Smith asked softly, his hand plucking at Ianto's sleeves as he tried to respect Ianto's hate of being touched.

"Right away." Ianto squared his shoulders and started for the door before remembering the eyes on them already, "Class, page 37 of chapter 3 in document 15.

"Learn all you can." Learn all you can Smith called over his shoulder as they departed unaware that Ianto had just given them the codes for the vid-screen and parental locks.

"Mr Jones." Andy called out causing Ianto to pause and turn.

"Yes?"

"Watch the eyebrows." Andy warned.

"Uh, good point." Smith agreed as he pushed Ianto out the door and into the fray.

"Ianto, are you omnisexual?" a woman with green skin and yellow hair shouted.

"Ianto! Ianto, please!" voices shouted and Ianto groaned as he tried a smile not a grimace while calmly refuting claims.

ooOoo

"I'm sorry." Owen shrugged as he scratched his ear with a stylus, "The jury's still out on this."

"No way. He's been here for how many years?" Tosh said angrily.

"Come on. I always knew." Suzie scoffed slamming her large PDA down.

"I say bravo." Owen said defiantly defending his friend. "It's a blow for freedom."

"Good for Ianto." Dylan said from the fridge he was digging in, "To quote Mr Bob Dylan..."

They all groaned as he never gave up an opportunity to quote his namesake and they were all sick of the 20th century poet and if Ianto were here he would have cut him off already.

"How many roads must a man walk down..." he intoned seriously as Tosh waved him down.

"Before we call him a man?" he said with a sigh of superiority.

"Dilly, don't. It's early." Owen groaned pulling a sofa cushion over his face.

"Knew what?" Sam asked standing at the vid-screen as Hir tried to sync hirs device for the new timetable for the fourth time.

"And how many seas must the white dove... "Dylan was singing now and Owen sat up with a jolt of horror.

-"Dilly, please." Owen warned as he began to rise from the couch.

"Before she sleeps..."

"Shut up, Dill!" Tosh yelled and then giggled at her outburst. Owen looked at her and gave a nod of approval.

"We're talking about Ianto." Tosh answered Sam.

"Why are we talking about Ianto?" Hir asked.

"'Cause he likes dick. Pussy, and tentacles!" Dill said seriously.

The door opened as Lisa entered the room and looked at the guilty faces of her friends.

"Good morning, everyone." She said with a soft smile.

"How are you?" Tosh said pulling her into a hug.

"Hey! Terrific!" Lisa withdrew with surprise and stared at her friend, "Fabulous."

"Is that Xeroxal still on the fritz?" Suzie was suddenly leaving the room at speed and everyone jumped.

"How are you, sunshine?" Owen drawled as he sauntered past.

"Oh, fine." Lisa was confused for real now.

"Oh, look at you." Tish crooned pulling her back into another hug.

"Dick who?" Sam was still stabbing at hir PDA.

 

 

8 **Dinner and a chat**

"He's getting married this week." Andy argued.

"See? He's not omnisexual." Eugene nodded in agreement, "I told you."

"But think about it." Andy laughed, "I mean, omnisexual guys!"

"I don't wanna think about it." Jenny shuddered and turned back to the locker to find her socks.

"There's only two times where it's OK to do omnisexual stuff." Andy said suddenly. Everyone frowned at him.

"Two emergency situations." He clarified.

"What? Which situations?" Eugene was interested now.

"Long space assignment, when it's a substitute cause yore all the same apart from "others on board", or others in zero grav."

"Zero Grav?" Eugene frowned with confusion.

"Not on purpose." Andy reasoned. "It just happens because they're weightless... and they float into each other when they're asleep. Tentacles must sort of wave around and latch on to … well … things."

"You're so lame." Eugene laughed as he threw socks at Jenny.

"I know it's wrong." Andy argued. "It's against, like, nature.

Basic plumbing."

"What?" Eugene squeaked.

"It's the human body." Andy sighed as he began to explain. "It's divided up into in-holes and out-holes. No tentacles! Stuff is supposed to go in the in-holes and out the out-holes. No tentacles or extra orifices!"

Now the whole locker room was listening silently to him dig a hole for himself.

"But omnisexual guys, they put stuff in the out-holes." Andy shrugged.

"Wait." Eugene held up a hand to interrupt "So is your mouth an in-hole?"

"Right. 'Cause you put sustenance in it and brews." Andy smiled as he realised they night be getting it.

"Unless you're sick, and puke." Eugene continued oblivious to Andy's glare "Then it's an out-hole, so it's wrong."

"Guys, come on! Hustle!" Ianto bustled into the room and stopped to view his students in various stages of undress still.

"You'll be late for class." He laughed at their statue stances "Let's go!"

He finally noticed the uncomfortable silence and stepped into the room. He looked from face to face with growing concern.

"What's going on?" he demanded.

"Mr. Jones, could you, like, excuse us?" Andy asked softly.

"Why?" Ianto frowned at his student noting the way he pulled a discarded towel from Jenny's locker door to cover his naked chest.

"Andy's being a jerk." Eugene shrugged.

"No. Just until we're dressed and ready." Andy said sadly watching Ianto's face change.

"This has nothing to do with the awards, does it?" Ianto whispered.

"No. Come on." Andy laughed turning to place the towel back on Jenny's door.

"What is it, then?" Ianto's anger growing as he stood his ground.

"Before the awards, it was different." Andy stumbles his words, "I mean, you weren't..."

"I wasn't what?" Ianto's voice was dangerously calm.

"Famous." Andy squeaked.

"You guys." Ianto laughed weakly wanting to believe them.

ooOoo

"Jack Harkness, network." Jack grabbed Ianto's arm and tried to slow him down as he stormed down the hallway towards the galley.

"No, no, no." Ianto shook the hand off "No more interviews."

"I have nothing to say." He continued, "I have no comments."

"I have no thoughts on gay marriage..." Ianto droned checking his PDA as he kept walking. " I didn't see "The Carlettier Birdcage."

"I'm having dinner." He declared as Jack slid into the seat opposite the one Ianto had chosen.

"Of course. I'm sorry." Jack smiled softly.

"You should be." Ianto huffed then fixed Jack was a glare. "Why are you sitting?"

"You people. Have some decency." Ianto moaned dropping his head to the table. "You've been hounding me all day. At my school, at my home."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves." Ianto growled into the table surface.

"I am. Those leeches." Jack hissed with exaggerated horror. "They have no right to pry into your life."

"They're sleazy." He thumped the table making Ianto jump.

"I don't know." Ianto sighed, "I like that Barbara Walterford."

"Did Barbara call you?" Jack yelled making several tables around them stop and stare.

"No."

"Ianto" Jack reached for his hand but Ianto was already moving.

"No!" Ianto roared fleeing the room without eating.

"Oh, Ianto." Jack groaned as he chased him.

"Leave me alone, you smut peddler!" Ianto cried turning a corner.

"You professional gossip!" Ianto threw another back at him.

"Will you get real?" Jack demanded catching Ianto's arm and pulling him onto a doorway.

"Shh!" Ianto was scandalised.

"Look at me." Jack asked looking into Ianto's face.

"Why?" Ianto whined as his eyes locked with Jack's. Blue. So blue.

"Sure, I look great, but my ratings." Jack waved his arms about theatrically, "Everyone wants to talk to Diane Sawyerly or Joan Lunden."

"My network's killing me. They want me blond." He hissed.

"With your colouring?" Ianto gasped and grabbed Jack's elbow forgetting his discomfort.

"All those reporters, after today, they're gone." Jack said calm again. "They've got their story. But I care."

Ianto frowned and wondered what he was up to now.

"I am doing a full week." Jack crowed.

"A week? You can't." Ianto shrieked throwing his hands up on despair.

"I have to. It's too good." Jack laughed.

"No. I have classes to teach." Ianto sobbed, "I'm getting bonded."

"I'll be there." Jack smiled gleefully.

"No." Ianto shook his head so violently it hit the door behind him.

"I'll kill you." Ianto growled.

"But it's classic." Jack laughed. "Sex, a small vessel, and a battle star. Why can't you see that?"

Ianto started to slide along the wall making a noise of despair deep in his throat.

"Ianto Jones: In and out." Jack did air brackets and everything as he turned to grab Ianto and pin him back to the wall. "My God. You are pure television."

"Stop it." Ianto sobbed before fleeing around the next corner.

"Good night." Jack called after him.


	5. 9 and 10

9. **Bucks and Deer in the headlights**

They were giggling and whispering as they waited for Ianto to join them.

"Guys, remember..." Owen began.

"I got that." Mickey hissed back.

"Thanks." Owen snarked sarcastically.

"Don't say nothing about the Awards or John Bloody hart." Owen demanded.

"I think he's coming." A voice called out and they turned expectantly to watch the door.

Shh. Shh.

"He's here!" another whispered.

"Yeah!" they all roared as Ianto pretended to be surprised at the stag do he had organised himself while Owen had floundered about doing stuff all.

"Yeah, baby!" Ianto roared grabbing Suzie in a hug.

"Whoa! Are we gonna have a bachelor party?" He yelled at the group.

"Yes!" they all answered gleefully.

"We gonna get down and dirty?" Ianto demanded throwing his jacket to the floor before changing his mind and retrieving it to hang on a chair.

"Yes!" they reminded him of his cadets droning away.

"Disgustingly drunk?" Ianto clapped his hands together.

"Yeah!" they roared loudly.

"We've been working on this for weeks." Mickey laughed pulling Ianto to the table.

"We got all your favourite stuff, everything you love!" Owen agreed.

"Hit me!" Ianto slapped the table and grinned up at his brother.

"Here, Ianto." A vid-cube was shoved at him.

"What are we talking about, triple X?" Ianto wiggled his eyebrows as he fingered the cube.

"Little Oral Annie? Traci Lords?" he laughed "Lay some adult video on me."

"We got it... uncut." Sam snorted.

"Swimfest!" Owen slammed the cube in as scantily clad girls, boys and others began dancing about in the water.

"Yeah!" they yelled with wild laughter.

"Swimfest?" Ianto asked in confusion.

"Yeah." Mickey grinned.

"I don't believe this." Ianto swiped at the cube to stop the vid-cast. "Bikini wars?"

"You had that marathon last year." Owen said in surprise. "We watched all the categories."

"It was fun." Dylan frowned realising there was a storm brewing.

"Guys." Ianto growled, "Guys, I'm truly offended."

"Don't you see" he rose from the table and grabbed for his jacket, "this is precisely the reason...why John Hart and half the civilized world..."

"Think that I'm... you know." He gestured wildly and his jacket caught several bottles of hyper-vodka sending them to the floor.

"No!" everyone yelled in shock at Ianto's outburst.

"Oh, no!" John Smith stood in the doorway having caught the whole thing.

"You're everyone's kinda guy!" Owen yelled grabbing at his friend's arm.

"No, no." mickey tried to stop Owen but he had realised how he had sounded a beat too late and Ianto's death defying stare was confirmation that he had just fucked that one up.

"I don't know how this started..." Ianto was tired and over it. "but this is my goddamn bachelor party... and I am not going to goddamn watch...pardon my split infinitive... inter galactic Swimfest!"

"Me, neither. I hate that." Dylan snorted.

"Thank you." Ianto deflated with relief.

You got "pleasure planet B uncut" Mick?" Dylan sat back down.

"Oh, sure." Mickey began sorting through the box of cubes.

"pleasure planet B uncut?" Ianto gasped.

"Shir looks bad in it with a lactating dozax scene." Sam grimaced.

"I'd watch it again." Owen shrugged.

"I love ""pleasure planet B uncut" son!" a voice trilled and Ianto shook with rage.

"Yeah! "Papa, can you hear me In jelly" is the best scene" another answered.

"Produced and directed by the he-bitch that … "

"Dudes, hombres, guys!" Ianto roared with not a small amount of grief. "Guys, I'm sorry. I am truly offended."

"I thought I knew you guys." They all looked at each other in confusion. "I thought you were studs. I guess I thought wrong. I'm out of here."

"Ianto" Owen sighed.

"Maybe he's right." Dylan nodded ""pleasure planet B uncut" sucks."

Ianto froze and slowly turned to glare at Dylan with a raised eyebrow.

"Ooh. Uh-oh." Everyone groaned.

"What did you say?" Ianto asked calmly.

"It sucks. It's boring."

"Say that again." Ianto threatened taking a step forward.

"All those tentacles on human skin made me sick!" he sneered.

Ianto roared and tackled Dylan to the ground as they all tried to break them up.

.

..

.

.

.

Chapter 10 **A warning is not a threat**

Applause on the vid-cast drowned out the shower as it slowed to a trickle and Ianto padded barefoot from the private washroom to his drawers to hunt for a fresh uniform t-shirt.

"I guess you heard..." the guy on screen asked the crowd "The Face of Boe is getting bonded. He's made the perfect choice...Ianto Jones!"

The laughter and applause was cut off as Ianto changed channel.

"Jack Harkness with day two…" Jack reared onto the screen larger than life with his bright red suspenders glittering in the light. "of Ianto Jones: Will there be a Bond?"

I'm with Alonso, Ianto's barber." Jack gave the squat little pig faced man a breath-taking smile.

"Stylist... razor cuts, colour, full blow dry." The pigman said.

"That's very nice." Jack purred softly. "What do you think? Will there be a bonding?"

"Ianto is booked for Saturday. A full styling. I say yes."

"Elmo Wilson, who has just delivered Ianto's private vid-cubes..." Jack leaned closer and breathed on the man "his intimate correspondence. Anything we should know?"

"I can't reveal that." Elmo bristled "I'm a starfleet employee."

"Don't make him mad." Jack whispered to the camera with a wink.

"Of course he's getting bonded." Elmo said with authority "He's a man of his word."

Jack smiled at the man's loyalty and clapped him on the shoulder.

"Is this outer-national?" he asked Jack with a twinkle.

"You bet." Jack nodded.

"Please, use your full ship to ship codes." Elmo demanded of the public.

The scene shifted to the common room and some of Ianto's cadets surrounded Jack Harkness giggling to each other.

"Torchwood High, cradle of crisis. Ianto's seniors... youth in the crossfire."

Ianto noted the change of braces and the lighter blue shirt that complemented the midnight strips on his chest.

"Tell us in your own innocent young words, is he omnisexual?"

"JACK! Oh, no. He told us." Andy said with an open smile, "It was all this huge mistake."

"It happened 'cause he likes poetry and uses a napkin." Jenny yelled over his shoulder.

"Unlike some people." Amy giggled.

"What?" Eugene frowned.

"Teens in turmoil." Jack turned back to the camera. "And your message to the Americas?"

"Greenleaf Torchwood rules! Yeah!" they all screamed as Eugene stole a quick kiss of Jack's cheek.

"Kids on the edge." Jack grinned and swatted at Eugene's butt as he scooted away with a shriek "A community in chaos. Torchwood cries out."

Jack stepped closed to the screen and Ianto could feel him filling his small sleeping quarters.

"Ianto, can you hear?"

Ianto shut the screen off with a cry of despair.

ooOoo

"Ianto, uh, you got a minute?" Smith asked Ianto as he passed his office. With a nod Ianto entered the room and let the door close behind him.

"Ianto, uh..." Smith looked really uncomfortable and Ianto grew afraid.

"Your... your life, I mean, since..." Smith stopped and took a fortifying breath. Yeah, this was gonna be bad. "Since the Awards, I can only imagine."

"It's over now." Into rushed to reassure him and alleviate his obvious discomfort, "It's fine. It's just fine. It's all ancient history."

"We do have graduation coming up Monday..." Smith continued to shift in his seat "and you kind of put us right... right in the spotlight."

"I'm so sorry, John." Ianto sighed.

I'd be less than honest if I didn't tell you... "John tried to think how to word it "that I've gotten some calls from parentals... wondering if, in fact, you were a om... om...oh-ho... oh-ho..."

"Home room teacher?" Ianto felt his hackles start to rise.

"Homni-omni-omnisexual." John finally choked out looking down at his hands.

"John, do I look like an omnisexual?" Ianto demanded.

"Would you walk for me?" John asked.

"Excuse me?" Ianto yelled.

"Uh, Ianto?" John reached for Ianto's hand.

"Yes." Into slowly removed his hand and placed it on his leg to stop it jigging.

"Do you enjoy teaching?" John tilted his head.

"No, I don't enjoy it." Ianto frowned.

"You don't?" John gasped.

"No, I love it. It's my life." Ianto groaned.

"Then you'd miss it?" John said softly.

"Are you threatening me?" Ianto reared back in shock.

"No, no." John waved his hands in worry. "I'm... I'm your friend."

"Friends don't threaten." Ianto hissed.

"No, they don't." John agreed, "Friends warn. And you, uh...you are getting bonded, aren't you?"

"But are you saying..." Ianto's mouth fell open"that if I weren't getting

bonded, I'd be fired?"

"That's not an issue, is it?" John asked desperately hoping to end the discussion.

"No." Ianto said with a deep anger that made John shiver with discomfort.

"Best wishes." John pushed Ianto toward the door and then sat back down to ponder this problem some more.

 


	6. Help 11-12

"Hi." Ianto whispered through the silk ribbons that separated him from the multi-priest on the other side of the screen.

Blessings be to you." The priest gave the standard galactic answer.

"Thank you." Ianto smiled before remembering the priest couldn't see him.

"Would you like to tell me your sins?"

"Yes. Yes." Ianto said impatiently. Gods he'd not entered a temple in years. This felt so weird.

"First of all, I'm not Catholic Anglo or Bohemian." Ianto explained.

"Then why are you here?" the priest asked.

"I have a friend who's Bohemian, and he's busy" Ianto grimaced realising he had committed another sin to be purged. Damn, oh shit stop!

"Aren't you helpful?" the priest's smile could be heard in his voice.

"What are his, you know, sins?" The Priest prodded, "Your friend's?"

"He's a cook, and he's about to be bonded."

Silence so Ianto continued.

"He's been promised for three years."

"Caution is a virtue." The priest murmured.

"Yeah, but everyone's..."in for a dracna in for a credit "Everyone's saying something about him that isn't true."

Again with the silence and Ianto ran his fingers through his hair.

"It's not a bad thing, but he isn't that thing."

"Which thing are people saying about him?" the priest asked patiently.

"That, um..." Ianto lent forward and whispered through the silk "That he's Omnisexual."

"That he's what?" the priest struggled to hear.

"That he's omnisexual." Ianto said louder then look around furtively in case it had been heard.

"Oh! Oh, my." The priest gasped.

"Yeah." Ianto agreed.

"Oh, my, my." The man repeated in shock. "That's rather like that fellow on the Awards. That, uh, Ianto Jones...from over on Torchwood."

"It's not him." Ianto gasped with horror, "It's a different guy."

"What does he want?"

"He wants to know what he should do." Ianto face palmed. "What is the right thing? He needs to know..."

His mother's planning this huge bonding ceremony … with the whole vessel,

and it's her whole life." Ianto groaned "It's gonna be beautiful..."

"But he doesn't want to leave this ship." He said sadly, "He has this wonderful promissory, who's sweet and thin and...he just has never had a physical relationship with her."

"Never? In three years?" the priest gasped.

"He respects her." Ianto argued.

"He's omnisexual." The priest said with certainty.

"No, he's not." Ianto snapped.

"Yes, he is." The priest laughed.

"No, he can't... no." Ianto whimpered.

"Then he must go to her." The priest said with a nod, "He's got to find out."

"He must be, you know, be with her. Huh?" Ianto asked hesitantly, "Really?"

"Mm-hmm." The old man hummed.

"Before the wedding?" Ianto breathed.

"Godspeed, my son." The priest said softly, "Go with the kiss of the Goddess on your lips."

oooOooo

 

 

Chapter 12

_**My lovely friend Sd4ianto pointed out that sex with Lisa wouldn't prove anything but lets not forget that Lisa is the same breed, Omnisexual includes creatures not of the same race like...a dolphin and a woman .. oh wait ... now I've outed the dolphins right? They've been dong it for years just check out youtube hahahahaha** _

_**So for this story you would think that blue skinned aliens or catkind are different to humans like timelords are but we know the doctor prefers human companions don't we (yes, I've also just outed timelords here! oops better shut up and get on with the show)** _

The constant chime of her door alarm tells Lisa someone is repeatedly banging their palm against it.

With a sigh she turned the volume down on the vid-screen and rose from the sofa.

"Oh!" she exclaimed as Ianto exploded into the room when she disengaged the lock.

"Lisa: Ianto cried, grabbing her forearms and staring into her face."Oh Gods, Lisa."

"Ianto" she squeaked as he kissed her then pushed her back towards the sleeping quarters.

"Lisa" he repeated softer and gave her a deeper kiss as she continued to be propelled backwards.

"Ianto" Lisa tried to slow the momentum and grabbed Ianto's face in her hands to force him to look into her eyes, "Ianto?"

"We're getting Bonded" Ianto said matter of fact. He looked at her and stepped back to regard her more. "We are!"

"Of course we're..." Lisa stumbled, "I'm glad we're getting bonded!"

With a growl Ianto surged forward to kiss her again and Lisa gasped with shock as she felt his hands sip around her waist.

"Ianto" she shrieked, pushing him back.

"Ha" Ianto pulled their crotches together and rubbed against her "Who's omnisexual now aye?"

"Ianto" Lisa moaned as his heat engulfed her and his scent filled the room.

"Aah!" Ianto cried out as she lunged against him.

Lisa whimpered and ground their bodies together before taking a deep breath and pushing him back.

"Ianto, what is all this?" she demanded waving her hand between them.

"I'm sorry." Ianto looked ashamed. "I'm under a lot of pressure."

"Could you turn him off?!" Ianto snarled as Jack Harkness's voice filled the room.

"Ianto. Ianto, I love you." Lisa said shaking him softly by the shoulders, "I'm not worried."

"You don't understand." Ianto groaned.

"Of course I do." Lisa soothed. "Look at your life."

Ianto frowned and she hurried to assure him of what she meant, "The Awards, the press."

She maneuvered him to the sofa and pushed him onto one end "It's no wonder you're going crazy."

"It doesn't matter." Ianto sighed looking up with an adoring smile.

"Why not?" Lisa asked touching his cheek tenderly.

"Because I love you," Ianto sighed, "and we're getting bonded."

"You still want that, Ianto," Lisa asked, "don't you?"

"That's why I transformed myself," she frowned, "isn't it?"

Ianto went still with surprise.

"You want me to eat again?" Lisa demanded with an angry stance, her hands on her hips looking down at him frozen on the seat.

"No!" Ianto gasped.

"I can, Ianto!" she warned, "I'm very fragile!"

"I love you." Ianto said with determination before fleeing the quarters in horror.

ooOoo

Ianto was running full tilt down the corridor while muttering to himself about stupid priests and old fashioned ideas when a cross junction caught him by surprise.

An exclamation of surprise was the only warning Ianto had before a body crashed into him and he found himself laying on the grill-work with a body flush against him.

"Aah!" Ianto cried as the delayed shock wore off and pain spiked down his arm.

"Oh, my God! Ianto!" a warm voice cried as hands starting putting him down. "Ianto, you OK?"

"No. No, I'm not OK." Ianto hissed as he recognised the voice of Jack Harkness and he feebly tried to push him off.

"I've never been so not OK in my life." Ianto gasped as Jack's hand tightened around his wrist.

"I tried to stop." Jack frowned, lifting the wrist to look at it closer.

"One week ago, I was fine." Ianto said looking into space, "I was perfect."

"I want my life back!" Ianto demanded, pulling his hand back and trying not to wince in pain.

"That is not going to happen." Jack sat back on his heels and placed a hand behind Ianto to help him sit up, "Your life has changed."

"But why? Why is this happening?" Ianto looked into Jack's face with his bottom lip quivering, "I haven't changed."

"One little word, and everybody changes." Ianto gasped as a tear slid traitorously down his cheek. Ianto held his wrist against his chest and looked down to hide his pain.

Jack sighed and reached forward to give him a hug.

"I'm still the same person." Ianto sobbed into his chest, "Why doesn't anyone believe me?"

"This ship is crazy about you." Jack soothed, "I've talked to everyone."

"Stop! That's the problem!" Ianto roared pushing him back. "It's you!"

"You're trying to turn me into a story..." Ianto was growling now, poking his finger into Jack's chest. A very solid, warm chest. "into something juicy for your show!"

"I am not a sound byte!" Ianto screeched struggling to his feet and back against the bulkhead.

"I'm... look, I'm... ohh." Ianto slammed his head back against the metal and Jack winced with sympathy, "I'm hurting the people I care about."

"My students, my family, Lisa." Ianto opened his eyes and looked into Jack's eyes, "I love Lisa!"

"Then think about what you're doing to her." Jack reasoned stepping into Ianto's personal space again.

"Oh, will you..." Ianto gasped as he pushed ineffectively against Jack, "you're like talking to... why am I talking to you?"

"You couldn't possibly understand what this is like!" Ianto finally gave in and leaned forward to sniff Jack. Gods, that intoxicating smell is him!

"Ianto, I'm omnisexual." Jack laughed softly.

"You're what?" Ianto slammed his head against the bulkhead again and Jack groaned at the loud noise as Ianto winced.

"I'm omnisexual. I came out." Jack shrugged.

"To whom?" Ianto straightened himself up.

"Who? To everyone." Jack laughed, "My parentals, my boss, my tribble!"

Ianto stared at him in silent shock. Huh?

"One day, I just snapped." Jack said seriously, "I got tired of switching pronouns...and lowering my voice...trying not to show my tentacles to those I knew … or sitting on my hands so I don't stroke the fur of …" Jack stopped as Ianto's eyes widened and he started to wonder where the tentacles were hidden.

"And I couldn't take lying to the people that I love." Jack tried to pretend he couldn't feel Ianto's hands gently sliding over his sides, "Does that sound familiar?"

"No." Ianto said huskily as Jack shivered beneath his fingertips.

"So I just said, "Mom, Dad, Sparky, I'm omnisexual." one day"

"What happened?" Ianto's hands stilled over his shoulder blades.

"My mom cried for exactly 30 seconds." Jack leaned against Ianto, "My boss said, "Who cares?""

Ianto felt a twitch against his crotch and stopped breathing.

"And my dad said," Jack grinned at he watched Ianto's face, "But you're so tall."

"Everyone surprised me once I let them..." Jack shifted gently and let Ianto feel another twitch against his leg, "once I trusted them."

"Sometimes the worst thing you think can happen..." Ianto's pupils were blown and his breath was lovely against Jack's cheek "turns out to be the best thing."

"For you." Ianto scoffed.

"For anyone." Jack shot back enjoying the moment.

"But I'm not omnisexual!" Ianto groaned.

"What was Pleasure Planet B's best game?" Jack demanded.

"Bikinis and hammocks." Ianto answered automatically.

"Stud." Jack growled.

"Everyone knows that!" Ianto scoffed with a shake of his head.

"Everyone where? The Little omnisexual Bar on the Prairie cruise?" Jack laughed. "Know what you need?"

"I need a bonding! I..."Ianto started but Jack silenced him with a kiss, pushing their bodies together and letting his tongue enter Ianto's mouth to map it out.

_**Yes, I'm a cow to stop it there! Nah nah nah nnha nhah! You'll just have to wait for the next chapter to find out what Jack does next - the naughty sexy little tease!** _


	7. gotta get a banding chap 13-14

Chapter 13

**(Lucky 13)**

Ianto shuddered against him and ground into his body allowing the heat to wash over them. The grinding was exquisite and Jack couldn't control himself as Ianto registered dimly that both his thighs were feeling soft stoking.

"Ahh." Jack cried as Ianto bit his bottom lip and pushed him back.

"You... you..." Ianto hissed walking back the forth like a caged animal, "You kissed me. And… and … Wow, those, I mean what was that!"

"You noticed." Jack purred.

"This is not Flight Los Angeles." Ianto spat rubbing his hands over his thighs where Jack's um … well. Oh wow!

"People don't kiss here?" Jack cocked his head to one side in mock-surprise.

"Not at an intersection!" Ianto huffed as he shot his cuffs with shame.

A voice called his name and Ianto slowly turned in horror as an elderly couple bore down on him.

"Oh, stop." Francine slapped her husband's arm as he looked up from his PDA and finally noticed a flushed Ianto standing against the bulkhead.

"Oh, hello, sweetheart!" he muttered absently with a wave as he returned his gaze to the small screen in his palm.

"Mom! Dad! Hi." Ianto said with a rush of air.

"Look, it's the cake." His father waved the screen in his face and Ianto got a sort flash of pink and white before his father went back to stabbing at the screen with his finger.

"Yeah, well..." Ianto laughed nervously.

"Everything OK there?" Francine frowned looking between the two naughty looking boys.

"Fine." Ianto squeaked at his mother's frown, "This is my Jack... friend Jack."

Jack threw his head back as a gawff of laughter escaped at Ianto's slip.

"We ran into each other at the intersexual..." Ianto waved desperately about the cross walk, "Um, the Um, omnosection... intersection."

Another peel of laughter shook Jack who was now doubled against the wall helplessly.

"I gotta go." Ianto screamed and he tore off down a corridor not caring where it led as long as it was away from this!

"It's that fella from TV." Ianto's Mom smiled at the handsome young man now straightening up.

"Thank you." Jack smiled as if paid a compliment.

"If you're Howard's buddy, I hope you come to the bonding." Ianto's father muttered as his PDA made an unpleasant whine.

"The bonding." Jack's eyes grew wide, "That's right."

"Sunday morning, 10:30a.m." Ianto's father gave Jack a long stare as Jack rescued the PDA and reset the screen.

"Gotta go prepare myself." Jack said with glee.

"It's formal, you know?" she called after him as he disappeared around the corner.

ooOoo

Ianto locked the door to his room and keyed in the saved pod-cast.

" _Welcome to our series..." the booming voice of the announcer said, "on exploring your masculinity."_

_This is audio Vid number one..."Getting a Grip."_

" _Are you dressed in suitably masculine attire?"_

Ianto looked own at his black ensemble of trousers and tight t-shirt with s nod.

_\- Are you in control?_

"Yes." Ianto breathed.

_Are you ready to take charge?_

_Are you a man?_

"Yes!" Ianto snapped before realising he was talking to an empty room.

_Stand up._

Ianto stood and smoothed his sweaty palms against his flat stomach.

_Stand straight and tall._

_Excuse me, are we a little touchy-feely Hir?"_

Ianto stopped rubbing his stomach as stood stock still.

_Untuck your shirt._

_Just one side._

Ianto groaned at the stupid voice.

_You hate this, don't you?_

"Look at it!" Ianto waved a hand at himself.

_You want to be neat. You want to be tidy._

_Adjust yourself._

Ianto jumped and reached for cuffs that weren't there

_Not there._

_The package, sissy man._

Ianto gasped in confusion.

_The family jewels._

_Grab 'em._

"Mmm." Ianto groaned squeezing his groin.

_You're in a barroom._

"OK." Ianto tried to see the scene.

_Repeat after me._

_"Yo."_

"Yo!" Ianto said with ease.

_"Hot damn."_

"Hot damn!" Ianto smiled at this.

_"What a fabulous blue skin treatment."_

"What a fabulous..." Ianto started to say.

_\- That was a trick._

"Oh! Damn!" Ianto yelled slamming his fist into his thigh then letting out a yelp as his wrist flared again.

 

Chapter 14

"Is my veil crooked?" Lisa asked nervously as she looked in the mirror again.

"It's perfect." Francine sighed squashing the wedding bouquet of purple and silver roses to her breast.

Lisa's bonding gown was perfectly hugging every curve and her dark skin seemed to glow against the white lace as the silver accents glittered in the lights.

"You're everything I've ever dreamed of..." Francine said dreamily as Tosh rescued the roses, "for a wedding and more."

"Do you have an attorney on board?" Tosh whispered as she handed the crushed roses to Lisa.

"Hush." Francine roared and then simpered again "You're radiant, dear."

"I just can't believe it." Lisa sobbed trying to keep the tears at bay "It's really happening."

"My life." She took Francine's hands dropping the roses and Tosh sighed as she bent to retrieve them. They were never gonna last like this!

"After all those years," Lisa smiled, "it's starting."

"My mom says it won't last." Eight year old Alice said as she adjusted her flower girl dress.

"Your mom is an alcoholic." Francine hissed around Lisa at the imp.

ooOoo

"That's terrible." Ianto groaned in his own private hell, "That's just terrible!"

"Need some help?" Joe looked over at his son and frowned at the fear on his face as he struggled with the top collar button of his bonding tunic.

"No, I'm fine." Ianto sighed turning to his father for help, "The dry cleaners left a shine on my trousers..."

"My right lapel is bent..." he gestured wildly at his tunic, "and there's not enough starch in my shirt front. Where are we, the Ukrainia system?"

Joe was well used to these outbursts and he deftly closed the button and straightening the front of the tunic.

"How can I get bonded looking like a space hobo?" Ianto wailed.

"Ianto" Joe said softly.

"I'm coming, Dad." Ianto sighed with one more glace at the mirror. "One minute."

"Oh, there he is." A voice called out as Ianto entered the Bonding Hall.

"Oh." Another sighed as music began to swell.

Lisa walked slowly down the aisle with John Smith nervously escorting her. Ianto noted the silver flick of the pumps under the hem of the gown and was glad he'd talked her into them. She was Sooo tall! Heels would have killed him craning his neck up for the ceremony which usually lasted four to five hours!

"What a joyous morning." The minister sighed looking around the room.

"What a perfect day."

"What a gloriously splendid occasion." He boomed.

Quiet sobbing could be heard and Ianto turned to see his father dabbing at his eyes. Ianto gave him a "What the Fuck" glare and turned back to Lisa.

"Dearly, dearly beloved..." the minister droned "we are gathered here to bond this wonderful couple... in holiest matrimony before the eyes of the Gods."

"Before we begin the vows..." he continued, "is there anyone present who knows of a reason... (Ianto's mother shot to her feet ad glared about the room with a feral growl) why this couple should not be bonded in holy wedlock?"

A door banged open and Ianto looked back to see Jack quietly enter the back of the room and wave.

"Very good." The minister nodded at the silence, "Because let us remember... a bonding is truly a blessed event."

It must be a union based on deepest love... " Ianto could feel the sweat trickle down his armpits and his smile became strained, "total kinship, and absolute honesty."

"Let us begin. Do you, Lisa, take this man..." the minister cocked a thumb at Ianto, "to be your lawfully bonded husband..."

"To have and to hold till death do you part?" he finished and nodded at Lisa to respond.

"I do." She shouted with glee giving a little jump of joy before squeezing Ianto's hands for reassurance.

"Oh." Ianto's father sobbed into his mother's shoulder.

"And do you, Ianto, take this woman..." a thumb pointed to Lisa, "to be your lawfully bonded wife..."

"To have and to hold till death do you part?" he frowned at Ianto.

"I'm omnisexual." Ianto sighed with a nod.

"Pardon?" the minister squeaked and Ianto froze with horror.

Several guests rose from their seats and Francine grabbed Joe's arm to keep him back.

"I'm... I'm Omnisexual." Ianto gasped with shock as Lisa too a step back and released his hands.

"You're what?" she demanded.

"He's omnisexual." Alice supplied from the side-lines.

"I heard him!" Lisa hissed at the child.

"Uh... everyone, everyone." Francine struggled to her feet and waved her hands for attention, "What Ianto meant to say was, he's Bi-sexual!"

"Mom." Ianto stopped her and looked at his parentals with sorrow, "Dad. I'm omnisexual."

"Oh. Whoa." Several voices cried out.

"Pounds..." Lisa whispered looking down at her dress, "I lost 200 pounds."

"I'm horrible, and you have every right to hate me." Ianto stepped forward to recapture her hand. "You should hate me."

"I want you to." Ianto demanded giving her a shake, "I insist that you hate me!"

"I'm scum, I'm garbage, and I'm vermin... "He cried crouching to look into her downturned face, "and I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" Lisa gasped with a glint in her eye. "You're sorry?"

Ianto nodded sorrowfully as a tear escaped.

After I... I...wait for you for..." she stuttered, "No! No! Not just three years...my entire life!"

Ianto was a statue of misery as he watched her fall apart knowing this was all his fault.

"After I plan my future around our bonding?" she screamed, "After I base my entire concept of self-esteem... on the fact that you're willing to marry me?"

"And you're sorry?" she spat in his face.

"I'm sorry." Ianto sobbed.

"Thank God my parents are dead!" she roared, "This would've killed them!"

"Are you..." she addressed him again, "Are you really omnisexual?"

"Mm-hmm." Ianto nodded as tears streamed down his face.

"Was... there... oh..." she waved the bouquet about the room as petals flew off in a purple and silver waterfall, "any other time you might've told me this?!"

"I'm wearing a bonding Gown which you picked out!" she yelled at the roof, "I highlighted my hair because you said I needed shimmer!"

"I loved you and believed you..." she pointed the bedraggled flowers at him, "and pretended not to notice the Pleasure Planet thing."

Several people gasped and Owen swore to himself as Tosh turned to glare at him.

"I thought you were just creative." Lisa ranted, "I thought you were just smarter than me... and more sensitive and more interesting because of your heritage."

Ianto's head shot up to stare at her in a silent plea not to give away his birth secret.

"I thought you were the most wonderful man who ever hatched." She continued unaware that she had just let the cat out of the bag and Ianto began to cry freely.

"I thought you could change my life..." Lisa sighed, "and show me the new worlds...and teach me about art and life and magic."

"I thought you could make me feel like a beautiful woman..." she whined, "instead of the girl nobody wanted."

"Oh, no." Ianto cried reaching for her, "Lisa But... but...Lisa!

"Does anybody here know..." she addressed the room, "how many times I've had to watch "kitties in pearls"?

"It was a sequel." Ianto defended the inter-racial movie.

"Fuck the Cats!" Lia roared and Ianto gasped in horror at the slur.

"And you!" she gave a final scream and punched Ianto in the face. He fell back and scrambled to his feet to chase her as she ran down the aisle.


	8. Enter the John 15-16

"Lisa!" Ianto reached the door in time to see Lisa throwing herself down the steps to the next deck.

"Lisa" he cried before leaning against the wall to whisper her name again.

"Ianto, you did it!" Jack cried slapping his shoulders. "I'm so proud of you. Congratulations."

Ianto stared at Jack whose face was almost split in two but the huge toothy grin.

"Congratulations?" Ianto echoed.

Jack nodded as his hands settled on Ianto's hips.

"I just destroyed Lisa's life!" he wailed in shame, "I killed her!"

"You saved her life." Jack countered with a softer smile.

"Ohh." Ianto wailed as he slammed his hand back and Jack wondered if he even felt that. "I don't believe it. I... I just came out at my bonding!"

"In front of everybody!" he shrieked with growing anger. "My family, my friends, my mom, my dad...Look at my hand."

"It was fantastic!" Jack laughed kissing Ianto quickly then leaning back to peer into Ianto's face.

"It was a nightmare!" Ianto hic-upped as Jack wiped away an errant tear with his thumb.

"I... I... I... I..." Jack kissed him again and he took a deep breath before opening his eyes to stare at Jack, I just demolished my parental's dream bonding!"

"I'm... I'm... I'm a monster!" Into pushed Jack back and began to do that pacing thing again, "I'm... I'm a lunatic."

"You're a hero," Jack chortled, "and I've got great footage!"

Ianto froze and slowly pivoted to stare at Jack.

"I got the whole thing!" Jack crowed.

"Is this about footage?" Ianto said stepping forward and Jack missed the warning in Ianto's eyes so he nodded gleefully.

Owen saw the exchange and swore as he started to run towards the two men. Ianto was gonna blow!

"I'll give you your headline." Ianto hissed, "Ianto Jones is a big Pod grown omni-queer, yeah, a pussy, a sissy man."

Ianto turned to the camera and saw Owen approaching at speed warning him that he was about to be tackled.

"He just came out at his big church wedding!" Ianto laughed with fake hilarity," Marta Stewartly is furious!"

Jack was laughing at Ianto's display and hadn't caught the "pod" reference but his camera man did and his whiskered twitched at the realisation that they had a whole different story developing.

"There. Is that what you want?" Ianto turned to Jack with his feet wide and his hands on his hips. Jack felt his mouth go dry with desire and stepped toward Ianto to smell him better.

"That was great stuff." Jack clapped.

"Aah!" Ianto roared.

Not a yell but a genuine roar filled the vessel and Ianto threw his head back and Jack froze in shock. Unfortunately that made him an easy target as Ianto swung his fist.

The slap was loud and everyone jumped at the gun-shot sound as Jack fell back against the bulkhead with a grunt of pain.

Ianto then screamed and cradled his wrist against his chest in pain before turning to run in the opposite direction to Lisa.

ooOoo

"No. Tell him I really appreciate the offer." John hart scratched at his belly button as he searched for his tunic. "but I just don't think I'm right for it."

"This is Jack Harkness for Inside Entertainment." Jack's face filled the vid-screen, "I'm at Greenleaf's First Mixed Church about the Torchwood..."

The camera panned to show shell shocked people stumbling from the bonding hall some in tears and some shouting the pods at each other.

"Where Ianto Jones has boldly declared, "I don't."

"John! Come look at this!" Gwen yelled from the messy bed.

"Jones, outted by John Hart at the Awards..." Jack returned to centre screen, "today, to the amazement of family and friends...outted himself at his own bonding."

John sat on the edge of the bed with a huff of shock and Gwen quickly draped herself against his back to see the screen.

"You can imagine the fireworks." Jack said with a serious face, "He's been besieged by the media, his job may be in jeopardy..."

Jack stepped closer to the camera for emphasis.

"And as for his promisary..." he shook his head, "fellow teacher Lisa Hallett... well, who knows?"

"Miss Hallett?" John gasped with surprise.

"The real question is, where is John Hart?"

"This is Jack Harkness for Inside Entertainment."

"We got to leave." John said as he quickly pulled hi tunic from beneath the covers.

"John?" Gwen whined in shock.

"We got to go." John repeated with a roll of his eyes.

"Go where?" Gwen simpered.

"Greenleaf..." he huffed, "because of what I said."

He had one boot on and was feeling under the bed for the other as Gwen slapped at his taut butt wriggling about in the air.

"I got to see what's going on and do something." He grunted backing up with the boot in his hand.

"But I promised Isaac I'd do his show." Gwen pouted, "The new collection

is this afternoon. I have to shower and shave."

_**Yeah, ya wondered where she was … right?** _

 

_._

 

_._

 

_._

 

Chapter 16

"Man! At his bonding." Andy stared at the blank vid-screen.

"Poor Miss Hallett." Carys gasped

"I guess Mr. Jones is really like Hart said." Eugene agreed.

"Uh, duh." Andy nodded, "And you hung out with him."

He flew with you to that Academy interview." Eugene gasped with wide eyes.

"Didn't you, like, stay over there somewhere?" Amy asked.

"But nothing happened." Andy said with anger. "I don't even know the guy... not anymore."

"Excuse me." Carys asked with a snark, "You don't know the guy? He got you into the academy. Just last week, he was your total hero."

"That was last week." Andy said with a shake of his head.

"Guys, we had an Omni teacher all year." Amy said with a shudder. "We have to face that...and move on with our lives."

"What are you talking about?" Carys frowned at her.

"Amy's mom shouted from upstairs, "kids, how was the bonding?"

"Fine!" the kids answered in unison.

ooOoo

"I can understand about Ianto being omnisexual..." Francine sobbed into Joe's chest, "but I will never understand...as long as I live, as the Gods are my witness..."

"How could he not want a bonding?" she howled.

"Oh, sweetie, it's not your fault." Joe tried to soothe her. "You have two boys. You fed them, raised them, and loved them the same."

"And one of them is omnisexual." She sighed.

"And the other one is..." he shrugged "Mickey!"

"Ianto was just being honest..." Joe reasoned as he rubbed his wife's back, "clearing the air before he made a real mess."

"What's wrong with that?" he asked looking onto her coon-dog eyed face.

"What are we so afraid of?" he demanded of her, "What do we think will happen if we all just spill the beans?"

"Oh... I don't know."

"All right... I'll start." Sarah-Jane said from her left. "My sonic Grenade design I said was a family patent … that I made for gifts at the reception...they're not my patent."

"It's Harriet Jones's." Everyone gasped at the admission.

"After she died from that massive heat ray attack... a lie was born." She stood proud and declared "These are a dead woman's ordinance."

"Oh." Francine gasped.

"Oh, my." Great-aunt Molly snorted from behind her breathing mask.

"All right." Molly squared her shoulders "I'll say it right out loud."

"I hated "The Star Trek Archives!" Everyone gave gasps of horror.

"My husband has three testicles." Clarice screamed before clapping a hand over her mouth.

"Bob?" Joe gasped.

"It's disgusting. Does that make me omni watsit?" she giggled.

" Ohh. Oh." Francine covered her mouth to try and stop the laughter but they all shrieked as they held on to each other.

"Oh! I love this." Francine sighed.

Joe slipped out in search of his boy.

ooOoo

"Ianto?" Joe used the parental over-ride on the door lock and was relieved to see that after all this time Ianto had never changed it.

"So?" he asked as he came to a stop by the huddled mass in the bed.

"So." Came the fatalistic reply from the lump.

"Are you still omnisexual?" he asked calmly.

"Yep." The lump moved as Ianto threw himself onto his side.

"Are you going to have an operation?" Joe asked.

"Excuse me?" Ianto's tousled hair was revealed as he threw the bedcovers back to show he was still fully dressed.

"You know, enhancements and extra appendages and stuff" Joe shrugged helplessly.

"Will you be going into show business?" he asked as he noted the shoes by the bed. At least he wasn't marking the coves.

"Absolutely." Ianto deadpanned. "Vegas Galaxies."

"I'm making an effort here." Joe growled at him.

"I know, Dad." Ianto sighed as he extricated himself from the bed.

"I'm a hydro-farmer." Joe moaned.

"Your mother asked me to come. She's worried about you." Joe shrugged again. "She's afraid you're not eating."

"She sent you this." He placed a box on the edge of the bed.

"What is it?" Ianto poked at it with his foot.

"Bonding cake." His father sighed.

"She's diabolical." Ianto growled pushing the box off the bed with a swipe of his foot.

"She's insane." Joe laughed at his son's reaction.

"Will, uh, we be seeing you at the graduation tomorrow?" Joe asked as he started for the door.

"I got a call after the bonding..." Ianto said as he pulled the covers back up "or after there was no bonding."

"They fired me."

Joe barely heard him and stopped in shock. "You taught those kids."

"If you're not there, what are they going to think?"

"I don't know." The lump was reborn.

Joe sighs and face palms then stops and walks back to the bed.

"That Cat-kind nanny we got you …" he asked softly, "did she do something to you?"

"Dad." Ianto growled.

As the door closed to signal his father's retreat Ianto gave another growl into his pillow.


	9. food

"Thank you." John snarked as he slammed the door to their torchwood quarters.

"John" Gwen whined pulling a pink bag along the floor. She was limping as one of her heels was already broken.

"John" she snapped when she realised he was ignoring her, "John, where are we?"

"I told you. It's my old Torchwood anchorage."

"You don't seem to realize." Gwen whined, "I am a supermodel."

"I am Gwen!" she declared and John snorted.

"And I'm in an anchorage in Greenblatt?" she shrieked.

"Greenleaf. Torchwood! This is where I grew up." He smiled.

"I don't care!" she pouted stamping her foot.

"Gwen, we're here to help someone." He sighed, "For once, we're gonna think about something... besides our careers and our hair."

"We're helping Mr. Jones, if I can find him." John started to search the data base.

"John" she spat again.

"John" she decided to try wheedling. "Where are you going?"

"John?" she suddenly realised she was alone as he had left the room while she was rooting around in her bag, "You can't leave me here."

"There's a mess hall down the corridor." He called back over his shoulder as the door began to close, "Eat something. I'm begging you. You look like a swizzle stick. It's unhealthy."

"Food?" Gwen gasped in horror, "I'm warning you. I'm calling the agency."

"John" her voice carried down the corridor making several people wince as John strutted past on a mission.

ooOoo

"Can I get a drink?" Lisa banged the bar.

"Uh..." a cat-kind slid up and stared at the dark-skinned beauty sitting there in her Bonding Ceremony gown. "What kind?"

"Let's see. What kind? Uh..." she looked behind him at the bottles and made a quick decision based on the one she recognised, "Is hyper-vodka OK?"

With a twitch of his whiskers he handed her the bottle and leaned back to watch.

"That's right. Straight up." She thumped the bar again and frowned at the yellow skinned toad that was inching towards her. "And, uh, some peanuts. Lots of them."

"I don't care about anything anymore." She wailed throwing her hands down on the bar, causing the toad to leap back with a girly shriek, "What else have you got back there?"

"I just want to eat." She moaned dipping her fingers into a purple goo that she proceeded to lick off her fingers. "I just want to gorge."

"Hey, thanks." She sniffed as napkins appeared at her side and she turned to face the man who had offered them.

"You're from TV." She slurred, the hyper-vodka already kicking in.

"Guilty." Jack Harkness beamed as he wiped her chin.

"You're that guy." She sniffed, "What are you doing here?"

He shrugged so she smiled weakly and grabbed the bottle off the bar. "Well... I am getting drunk."

"I had a bad day..." she informed the bar at large, "a very, very bad day."

"Excuse me?" Jack asked as she poked his shoulder.

"You win." She spat, "I hate men."

"Am I so repulsive that no man would want me?" she wailed.

"No!" jack reared back in shock at her display, he never was good with crying females, "You're very attractive."

"Ianto didn't think so." Lisa sobbed, "Ianto didn't want me."

"Listen to me." Jack demanded, taking her chin and raising her eyes to meet his, "This is Ianto's problem, not yours."

"He should've told you." Jack continue as she blinked and focused on him, "OK?"

"I love you." She hic-upped, "You're nice."

"I'm not nice." He sighed leaning away from her, "I'm a hack. I'm show business garbage."

"Will you sleep with me?" she pleaded.

"What?" Jack gracefully sprang from the stool.

"Three years!" she wailed grabbing at her breasts.

"Oh, my God." Jack gasped.

"Three years of planetary sunsets, nebular clusters, long talks..." she snarled, "and loving support and friendship!"

"God." Jack moaned at Ianto's romantic gestures.

"This is my bonding night!" she cried, "I'm there! I'm ready! This is a medical condition!"

"Gee, thank you," Jack started backing away with his hands held out, "but, uh, I can't."

"You bonded? Seeing someone?" she snarled "I don't care!"

"No, I..." jack panted with growing fear.

"You're a man!" she accused with a laugh. "I'm a woman!"

"I'm omnisexual. I know how Vessel Torchwood feels about our kind, human to human only here, right?" He sighed.

"Is everybody Omni?!" she wailed.

"Is this The Twilight Nebula?!" she screamed with rage.

"Ohh! Oh, hey!" he soothed.

Lisa stumbled out into the corridor and started to grab those passing.

"Oh! Oh, hi!" she begged, "Hi! Will you marry me?"

"I have the dress, the Pleasure Cruiser tickets!" she grabbed another in passing who yelped and ran.

"I'm packed!" she saw a flash of red, "Stop!"

"Stop! Please!" she fell to her knees, her dress wafting out around her, "Stop! You have to stop!"

"It's an emergency!" she finally flopped back onto the floor, "I need a heterosexual, code red!"

"Uhh!" the booted leg she clung to bent as the man leaned in closer.

"Miss, are you OK?" a soft masculine voice asked.

"Do you need help?" Lisa looked up with shock into the concerned face of John Hart.

"No, no, no! I'm just beyond help!" she wailed, "I'm just a cyborg! I'm a jinx! A cyberman would be happier"

"Miss... Miss Hallet?" John gasped dropping to his knees to throw his tunic around her bare shoulders.

"Johnny?" she gasped, "Oh, my Goddess. John?"

"What happened to you?" he asked rubbing her back.

"Well..." she stuttered, "Well, everything! I..."

"You won the Oscar, and you said Ianto was omnisexual..." she accused, "and I didn't believe you, and I had no self-esteem!"

"No, I... I mean your..." John waved his hand over her body, "Your body. What happened?"

"What happened?" Lisa gasped, "Well... I was fat! And I swore I'd become

someone else!"

"Then I did, and now I'm more miserable than ever." She flung herself into his arms and he hugged her tightly.

"And I'm a mess, and I'm starving!" she growled into his chest.

"But why?" he asked with wonder. "Why did you want to change?"

Lisa was looking at him silently now as her tears started to dry.

"You were so beautiful." He enthused.

"I was?" she asked hopefully.

"I mean, you still are." He assured her, "You always were."

"It's just skinny girls can be so annoying sometimes." He confided as they both settled against the wall in each other's embrace, "I mean, but you're not."

"You're just like I remember you from after class." She smiled.

"You remember?" John waggled his eyebrows.

"Huh." She grunted as she realised what he was saying.

"Tell me..." he started to say but her lips crushed against his was the best gag ever.

_**Come on , he needs a big lass to control him, we all know that!** _


	10. final stand

"Kim, Karen, wait up!" a girl called as cadets made their way to the great room.

"Let's go, it's starting!" another cadet shouted and the corridor started to clear.

"Hey, Andy." Ianto was unlocking the door to his classroom in an effort to clear his stuff without an audience when he recognised the man wandering past.

"Hey... Mr. Jones." Andy moved nervously from foot to foot.

"Big day." Ianto smiled as he swore at the pad again. They hadn't locked him out already had they?

"Yeah." Andy shrugged noticing that Ianto hadn't shaved today. "I can't believe it."

"Congratulations." Ianto offered his hand and Andy took it automatically.

"Yeah, thanks." Andy smiled.

"Andy!" Eugene yelled from the door of the great room, "Come on, we're late!"

"Good luck next year." Ianto called after him as he started to leave.

"You, too." Andy called back.

The Torchwood Anthem rang through the ship as everyone sang the song of unity.

_Torchwood, torchwood grows like a tree of life_

_Family, bondage and freedom for all_

_Be you white, be you green, blue or from the ultra-drome_

_Living on-board Torchwood, you will always be home!_

_Sing loud sing clear with a heart or hearts of gold_

_Torchwood family is for all, we'll never fold._

"That song always, uh..." John Smith smiled, "reminds me of our... our school motto... Always be you Torchwood before you be dead!"

The silence was deafening and he turned to his wife with a frown.

"Rose? Did I get it wrong again?" the mic picked up his whisper and a few titters rolled around the room.

Rose rolled her eyes and gestured at him to move on.

"Before we hand out diplomas, I have an announcement." He consulted his PDA, "We've, uh...Well, we've, uh...we've had quite a year, haven't we?"

The vid-screen behind him flickered with pictures as he stabbed at the touch screen unaware it was vid-linked, documents and then a picture of Rose and their three year old son in the pleasure pools.

"But let's begin our ceremony on a high note." He said as he found the right page, "We're awfully proud, of course, of our medal-winning graduate... but today, we have, uh...another winner, if you will."

"That's right." He said with a grin, "Our teacher of the year."

"And, uh, what do they say?" he said stabbing at the PDA, "May I have the envelope, please?"

"The, uh... the winner is..." he looked around the room, "I get so nervous here. Can you hear my hearts beating?"

His smile slipped as he read the winner and then he straightened and stabbed it a few more times while muttering to himself.

"Seriously, though, ladies and gentlemen...our brand-new teacher of the year...Dylan Knokrow."

"No." Dylan gasped with shock.

"This is such a surprise." Dylan said reaching the podium as everyone sat silent with shock.

"Er Dilly, Dill. Um, Dylan" Smith tried to get Dylan's attention as Ianto slipped in the back of the room.

"Thank you, John." Dylan puffed out his chest and began to speak, "Woodies! What is the definition of a Woodie? Well..."

"Uh, Mr. Knokrow?" a voice came from the back of the room and people craned their necks to see who would dare interrupt the strange little man's speech.

"Excuse me?" Dylan boomed angrily looking for the owner of the voice.

"Mr. Knokrow, I guess I'm a recent Greenleaf Torchwood graduate." John hart started to weave through the crowd.

"It's John Hart!" Carys shrieked with glee.

Girls and boys began to scream his name as he waved and continued to walk confidently to the front of the room.

"Please, please." John asked waving his hands down to calm the crowd.

"People! Can we have a little respect here?" John Smith yelled. "We have our teacher...our teacher of the year."

The crowd started chanting Hart's name and he actually felt touched.

"Guys, please, please." He laughed, "Uh...Man, I am... I'm really sorry to interrupt graduation and everything."

"I was looking for Mr. Jones." Hart noticed Ianto slinking along the wall towards the door and pointed at him, "Hey, Mr. Jones."

"Uh, John." Ianto smiled weakly as he wished the wall would swallow him whole.

"Weren't you up for teacher of the year?" John asked.

"No. Uh, withdrawn. Smith?" Dylan yelled turning to John Smith with a raised eyebrow.

"Uh, ineligible." Smith sighed, "Mr. Jones is no longer an employee here."

"What?" John spluttered.

"Oh, why? What happened?" Andy yelled leaping to his feet.

"He resigned... sadly." Tosh shook her head.

"It's fine. It's over and done." Ianto shook his head and pointed back at the front of the room, "Today belongs to the students."

"This is for the kids, for the youngsters." Smith agreed with shame.

"They canned him?" Eugene was on his feet now as well.

"Is this about the awards and the omnisexual thing?

"No." Smith frowned with surprise, "No. No, no, no."

"Then what is it?" Hart demanded.

"We... we felt..." smith looked behind him at the high ranking attendees, "The... the establishment, uh, felt that it was...it was a question of...of, uh... influence."

"I'm sorry. I'm a little slow." John Hart drawled as he lent against the back of a chair, "I was a C student, and now I'm a grunt, so...Influence?"

"I mean, it's all right to be...uh, this way or that way at home..." John floundered as the superiors shifted in their seats, "in... in your...in your private area...arena... arena...but, uh, Mr. Jones, after all, is... was...uh, a teacher."

"Oh, I see." Hart nodded looking around the room, "So you're thinking about the cadets?"

"Yes, that's... that's what...that's what this is all about." Smith sighed.

"Oh, OK, so... All right, so, um...Stay with me here." John was eerily calm as he stalked toward the podium, dangerously poised, "So what you're saying is since Mr. Jones's omnisexual...that he's going to send out some kind of voodoo vibes...or omni microwaves and make everybody else omnisexual?"

"In a crude manner of speaking." Smith stuttered, "That was the explanation of the order given to me!"

"Well, seniors, you've all had Mr. Jones." Hart turned to look out over the young faces, "Is that the way it works?"

"Kids, you don't have to answer that question." Smith said quickly.

"It's an inappropriate forum to discuss this." Dylan agreed.

"This is still a graduation ceremony." Smith tried to pull it back.

"May I please finish my acceptance speech?" Dylan demanded" Woodies!…"

"Excuse me, I'm omnisexual!"

"Who said that?" Smith gasped.

"Andy?" Ianto gasped.

"I had Mr. Jones for senior Sonic. He taught me empathy. He was my track coach...and he also helped me get into Starfleet!" Andy ticked off his fingers, "I just realized that what Dr. Smith said is right. It must've rubbed off. I'm Omni!"

 

Chapter 19

"This is exactly my point..." Dylan gasped. "a … a young life corrupted. Thank you. Very brave."

"Oh!" Cerys cried leaping out her seat and rubbing her body, "Oh, my Gods! Oh, my Goddess!"

"Young lady?" Smith surged in front of Dylan.

"It's happening." She started to hyperventilate, "I had Mr. Jones all year, and... Oh, by the Gods, I'm Omni!"

"Excuse me?" Smith reared back on his heels.

"If there's something wrong with Mr. Jones or Andy..." Amy yelled, "Then there's something wrong with me. I'm omni."

"So am I." Alice said struggling from her mother's arms.

"She is not!" Dylan scoffed.

"Kids, kids, kids, please, please, sit down." Smith saw it all failing, "We're here to graduate."

"I'm sure Mr. Jones is gratified by your display. Compassion is a wonderful quality, however misguided. But as Ianto very well knows, the decision is not yours. It is a DNA thing." Dylan said loudly.

"A grown-up thing." Smith stumbled, "I have to answer to the community...and as far as the community is concerned...toward Ianto Jones, they have said, No, no, no."

"Please sit down, and let's pass out diplomas."

"Well, I'm a...I'm a member of the community..." Mickey called from behind his parentals, "and I don't mind that Ianto's Omni."

"But you're his brother." Dylan scoffed. "As... as you know."

"So you know what that means?" Mickey raised an eyebrow, "Uh-oh. I must be Omni."

"But you're not a parent, are you?" Dylan pointed out.

"Excuse me, I'm a parent." Joe stood up and folded his arms, "I've lived on this vessel all my life. I'm Ianto's father. And I'm Omni!"

I'm Ianto's mother, and I'm very proud of him..." Francine said rising to hold her husband's hand, "and I'm... I'm a lesbian."

"Excuse me." Carys senior called out looking over at her cloned daughter, "Hi. I run the Bridal Bridge for Better Bonds...and I can tell you Ianto has perfect taste. So do I, so, I'm Omni."

"I'm Ianto's stylist, and I'm Omni... and I'm really Green!"

"I deliver Ianto's mail and everybody else's. I'm a federal employee, and I'm Omni!"

"Fire Chief Fred Moon, and the volunteer Meteor brigade. Ianto has always been ready to lend a hand."

"Omni!" twenty red coats shouted.

Ianto felt tears streaming down his cheeks.

I'm omni! I'm omni! Rang around the room as Ianto sobbed with pride.

"I'm omni." Owen shouted.

"But he's not the teacher of the year!" Dylan screamed into the mic, "I am, and this belongs to me!"

"Maybe Mr. Jones deserves something else." John Hart said reaching for his tunic front.

With a flourish he stepped up to Ianto and pinned his medal to his chest and with a cheeky grin he kissed Ianto softly.

As everyone cheered.

Jack took his cue and stepped up tapping John on the shoulder.

"May I cut in Solider?" he said softly.

John smiled and reached for Jack but he walked past him to Ianto and grabbed him tight, dipping him and then kissing him deeply.

Everyone stood in shock as Ianto pushed Jack away, straightened his tie and threw himself back at Jack whose loud purr of pleasure rolled around the room

"Oh my Gods, he's part cat-kind" someone whispered scandalised as Ianto Jones openly made out – in front of his parentals no less – with a cat-kind hybrid.

After a few moments Mickey started to clap followed by John. When the last person had joined in the whole vessel reverberated with the thunder of applause.

ooOoo

"You ready?" Jack draped himself to Ianto's back and leered into the mirror at him as he groped his arse and winked.

"Nearly." Ianto squeaked with surprise as jack ground against his backside and Ianto felt his growing approval.

"God you are such a kitten sometimes Jack," Ianto sighed looking at his reflection in the mirror again.

"Nothing but raging lion in here tiger" Jack growled as Ianto groaned and pulled at his collar.

"Does this look OK," Ianto's new captain's uniform was perfect and Jack was fighting not to tear it off him. Yummy Yan, grrrrrr!

Torchwood was deemed an Omnisexual aware vessel and the "Powers" decided that a new captain was needed, Ianto was tapped as the man to bring her into the 36th century. Once his heritage was uncovered as a podling and his superior DNA revealed he was fast-tracked through the ranks to become a poster boy for the agency.

"Oh, very snappy. Nervous?" Jack nibbled his earlobe and slid a finger between the cleft of his butt cheeks.

"No. Why should I be nervous?" Ianto swung with wide eyes to stare at Jack well used to his mate's fondling and was not deterred by it.

"It's a bonding." Jack rubbed the palm of his hand against Ianto's crotch.

"I want everything to be perfect." Ianto panted rubbing eagerly against Jack's hand.

"It will be." Jack purred.

"Is your cameraman here?" Ianto suddenly narrowed his eyes and batting Jack away like a shlarvetan fly.

"No, not today." Jack shook his head, "I'm not filming this."

Ianto raised his eyebrows in mock horror.

"There are some things more important than show biz." Jack kissed Ianto sweetly.

"Really. Like what?" Ianto demanded.

"I don't know, but didn't that sound good?" Jack smiled as only Jack could and Ianto couldn't help but smile back.

"Guys, we're starting." Mickey swung around the door frame and back again. "Preacher's waiting."

"What a truly special occasion." The priest started, "What a joyous ceremony. What an unusual couple."

Francine, after 40 years... do you still take Joe to be your lawfully bonded husband?"

"I do."

"And do you, Joe, take Francine to be your lawfully bonded wife?"

"I'd better." Joe laughed and everyone laughed with him.

"I now pronounce your bond renewed... for another 40 years."

"You may kiss your bond-mate."

Jack whispered something in Ianto's ear that made him freeze then turn to grab his face. The snog he gave him made everyone scream with delight and when they finally stopped for air Jack gave a shout of joy.

"He's gonna bond with me" he cried lifting Ianto into the air.

END … or is it?


End file.
